The "D" Word

As military spouses and significant others, we all think about it.  Whether we are religious, non-religious, totally trusting and trustworthy or a little flawed here and there... the dreaded "D" word.  Divorce.  We've all heard the rumors and seen the statistics of failed military marriages and people left with nothing.  Hell, if people who don't live the military lifestyle and see each other on a daily basis without long periods of separation so often get divorced, it would be crazy to expect all military marriages to work.  Some people just can't handle the stress, separation and basically being "the other woman/man" to the military.  Not only are our relationships at risk because we're military, but also because many of us are young.  Soldiers are notorious for marrying young, and that isn't surprising in the least.  Not only are there huge benefits to being married financially, but it is nearly the only way to be in the same location as your significant other.  It's expensive to live together, and lets face it, the salary isn't fantastic.  Not only that but in this economy, it's hard for that civilian S/O to pick up and move, and then find a job if necessary.  So we see military couples getting married quickly and married young. Divorce is most likely in those between the ages 20 and 24 according to US divorce rate studies, so it's no wonder the military is semi-known for failed marriages.
My husband and I married in 2009.  He was 23 and I was 22, so we fall right into the "likely to be divorced age group".  Not only that, but we are military, so we pretty much have all the weight of the world working against us.  We are both semi old fashioned and have agreed that we don't "believe" in divorce.  Now, I would never stay in an unhealthy marriage solely for the fact that I refuse to get divorced, but it would take a lot.  I would never leave this marriage unless I knew in my heart that both of us did everything we could to make it work.  So many people take this lifetime commitment so lightly, threatening divorce every other day and changing spouses multiple times in their life.  I am not by nature a judgmental person, and I do understand people change and sometimes spouses grow apart.  But it seems to me that people are starting to get married because they like the idea of getting married... not the idea of being married, if that makes sense.
I've never really focused on the risk of divorce with my husband.  I've thought about the fact that we were both young when we married and had our daughter, and I've thought about the fact that military marriages are notoriously harder than civilian marriages, but I've never thought about how high the risk is for divorce... until recently.  I say that, because my husbands battalion just got back from deployment.  The first group to return has been back for 2 1/2 weeks, and the last group to return got back last night.  Since then, I know personally SIX couples who have separated or are seriously contemplating separation.  And those are only the people I know personally.  Now, I understand deployment is hard and pulls at every string of your marriage... but to make it through eight months of hell and give yourself and your spouse two weeks (or less) to work things out?  Again, I try not to be judgmental and I understand people change.  But when your S/O comes back from a place so terrible with so much destruction and hate, it is obviously going to take some adjusting and reacquainting.  So be patient, and do your best to be understanding.  Marriage is hard, it is genuinely difficult! But if your marriage is not worth more than two weeks worth of effort after eight months of trying so hard to keep it together then you really need to re-evaluate why you got married in the first place.  Believe me if it was for the right reasons, you will find the strength to fight.

What defines you?

I have spent a good amount of time with military wives. Whether it be chatting online, connecting through military wife support pages, or in person as friends or acquaintances.  One thing I have noticed is that a lot of said women define themselves as "a military wife or S/O."  When asked what they do, what their hobbies are, what they enjoy... I have heard so many answers such as "I'm just a military S/O, I support my husband/boyfriend...he's a soldier, I enjoy being a military wife/girlfriend that is what I do..." My question is, what does that mean?? Yes, I love being a military wife.  I chose this life and I don't regret it, but I wouldn't glorify it or wish it on someone else, because there are parts of it that are incredibly painful and hard.  We are proud women, but is there a line that needs to be drawn? In my eyes yes, there is.  We do not wear our husbands rank, they got to where there are whatever it took, blood sweat and tears... and while we stood by them every step of the way we are not any better than any other military spouse who has been there standing beside her man.  It seems so many of us find it so easy to let the term "military wife" define us, we miss out on the fact that we should be defining it.  I define military wife by being faithful, supportive, and loving no matter what.  I define it by being proud and understanding, when necessary.  I define "military wife" by pulling myself together and taking care of business while my husband is away... and at the same time I define it by allowing myself to fall apart when I just can't take it any more.  I define myself as a loving and devoted mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  I define myself as compassionate, hard working, and genuine.  I do not however define myself as a military wife. This is simply food for thought, but I find it to be a legitimate question... can your actions define the label "military wife" or do you let it define you?

I don't know how many of my fellow ladies out  there have seen something similar to this, but I cannot count the number of times I've seen comments like "I need to find a sexy man in uniform" "really wish I could find a soldier to be with" "I hope someday I can be a military girlfriend/wife" ...... !@*$ NO. You don't.  You need to find a man who loves you unconditionally, a man who respects you, and a man whom you can respect and love, regardless of his occupation.  I hate to stereotype and I'm not usually one to do so, but women who make these types of comments are usually the tag chasers that love em' and leave em' because they didn't realize what they were getting into in the first place.  Combat boots or loafers, dog tags or stethoscope, ACUs, NWUs, BDUs or business suit... find a man that you can love for his soul.  Just as we shouldn't define each other as military wives, we shouldn't define our men as soldiers... because that would be implying that they're all the same.  There is a human being underneath that uniform, and if you happen to fall in love with a soldier, god bless you, but don't go out looking for one.

This topic really pulls at my heart strings because I have so many military friends that have had girlfriends/fiances/wives who were all about the military label until a deployment when they ended up cheating on or leaving their S/O while he was deployed because they didn't realize what a (pardon my french) bitch deployment would be.  Life won't give you anything you can't handle.. this I somewhat agree with. But when you fight fate and go out searching for something on your own, you better make sure you're prepared to handle it before you take on that responsibility.

Too much of too many good things

I know that people say you can never have too much of a good thing... but I have decided that it is thoroughly possible to have too much of too many good things! We have finally, finally made it through deployment, and my husband has been home for a little over a week.  In that time we have managed to buy a new motorcycle, a big screen TV, lots of miscellaneous items that we've been wanting for a while and... a puppy.  Now I am an animal lover all the way and have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember (my parents wouldn't let us have one as kids) but I wish I would have realized that now is NOT the time.  I have basically been a single Mom for 8 months, and now that I finally have my husband home to help out with our daughter, we go and double the work load by adding little Gixxer into the mix.  He is adorable, and he can be a lot of fun, but it is an insane amount of work to get a puppy at any time... let alone as overwhelming a time as homecoming.  I say this because I am sure other couples have made this same decision and I'd like to discourage people from doing it.  Don't take away from your time with your S/O or make it even harder on yourself to adjust to them being home.  We made the decision and we love our dog regardless, but looking back I wish I would have decided to wait.
People watch shows like "Coming Home" and all they see is tears of happiness and big hugs.  Let me be the first to say that that is only a small part of what homecoming is all about.  We as wives are given about a weeks notice when the exact date is set.  After that, it changes almost daily!  Our homecoming time changed THREE times the day OF homecoming! I swear it is the most stressful thing you will ever have to go through. Never have I experienced more anxiety than I did in that day.  I say this for any of the new wives or girlfriends who aren't sure what to expect... yes, it is a wonderful, amazing moment... but don't expect it all to be sunshine and roses.  Take it day by day, rather, minute by minute.  Don't make huge decisions that could result in a serious overload, and try to enjoy your time together while your family adjusts to the big (awesome) change... I wish everyone quick and happy homecomings, because there truly is nothing better - no matter how many gray hairs might pop out of your head while anticipating it's arrival!